Saturday, 2 February 2013

How to Write About Germany



How to Write About Germany
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Feb 2, 2013

How to Write About Germany 

Always use the words 'Germany', 'Beer' or 'Expensive cars' or 'Hitler' in your title. Subtitles may include words like 'Nazi', 'Second world war', 'Mercedes', 'BMW', 'Porsche', 'Beer Festival', 'Sausage', 'Pretzel' or 'Economy crisis'. Another useful word is 'Football'. Also make sure to note that 'People' means Germans who might not be pure German, whereas 'The People' means crazy drunkards who race each other on the highway and crash their expensive cars.

On the front cover of your book always have a picture of a demented, destroyed Porsche or Mercedes, or a guy with a scraggly red beard with silvery bits in it tap- dancing, dressed in breeches with a German flag cape around his shoulders. Someone who looks like the German version of Heidi's grandfather. And also make sure he's holding a beer that's got foam spilling over the side. And holding a white sausage dipped in mustard on a stick, or a half- burnt pretzel. Never put only a beer as your front cover. That means nothing.

When you write, that is, in the text, always treat Germany as if it were the only place on earth with no speed limits on highways. Germany is a place that is either cold and snowy that is filled with short fat people who have beards or plaits tied up with ribbons and look like Santa and Ms. Claus. And who eat Pretzels and sausages all the time. Or, it's hot and rainy and full of tall lanky people who are obsessed with football and who go around all the time wearing a German flag or a german t- shirt. People who sit all day in front of the TV watching football and who only go out to watch a live match of football or to go to a beer festival to get drunk. Make sure you don't go too far with that, because otherwise your book won't sell. Go brief on that and keep your text mainly focused on the drunk young adults who race each other on the longest racing track in the world. Oh, and also include that people go to watch them race just so they can laugh when the youngsters ruin their Mercedes or Porsches at the very first meander.

Keep the statistics simple. Germany is in Europe, and has 82 million people who are too busy attending a football match, a beer festival, or wealthy people currently mourning over their ruined car (they spent a fortune on) to ever bother reading your book.

Make sure you show that Germans also have a heart for engineering, especially in the southern part. It's like their hearts are actually made out of tools and nuts and bolts. And remember to particularly press on their liking for food and alcohol. They eat things no other normal humans eat. Don't mention bread, and when you mention alcohol, focus on overdoing it, and saying Germans consistently are trying to make themselves drunk. Say they eat over- salted butter pretzels with additional butter on top, home- made sausages (who eats home- made sausage?) and hame with the fat still on top. Don't mention fruit either. Also write that the most commonly eaten sausage in Germany is called the Weisswurst, that is eaten coated with yellow mustard after you peel the skin off. 

The language aspects of Germany are important to put in. Write that sentences in German always look normal until you get to the first noun, which is always written in capitals. Which means you always have to go back and check wether there was a full stop or other end- sentence punctuation mark you might have missed out on.

You'll also need a short chapter on music. To get your reader hooked, put in the most famous rock stars, Johann Sebastian Bach and Ludwig Van Beethoven. Include some of their most famous pieces and the music sheets if you can find them somewhere on the internet for free. Or else your reader might just skip that part because they're not interested about music.

Always end your book with Angela Merkel saying something about peace and umbrellas. Because it's important.











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